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Month: May 2016

Christ Returns, Forgot Some Stuff In Capernaum

May 30, 2016 Nathan Grovhoug 0

ISRAEL—Jesus Christ, the inspiration for the Christian faith, will take the next couple of days to collect a pair of sheepskin moccasins and a favorite […]

Last Couple Still Together From High School Finally Breaks Up

May 30, 2016 Matt Moldenhauer 0

WESTWOOD—Sources confirmed Friday that the last remaining long distance relationship that began in high school between Amber Rogers and David Sowers has finally come to […]

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How To Vote In The California Primaries

May 29, 2016 Enabler Staff 0

Voting season got your panties in a bunch? Never fear, The Westwood Enabler is here. Here are our top tips to make sure your vote matters. […]

Philosophy Student Would Descend Into Nihilistic Hedonism If He Could Get Laid

May 29, 2016 Peter Carman 0

WESTWOOD—Admitting that he’s drawn to the idea of living a life of lust-filled gratification in an entropic universe with no intrinsic meaning, Philosophy major Anthony […]

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A Recap of Spring Sing

May 24, 2016 The Westwood Enabler 0

Did you miss Spring Sing? Not a big deal! The Westwood Enabler has got you covered. Here’s a brief recap of Spring Sing: Sigma Alpha Epsilon […]

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Former Study Partner Returns To Unacknowledged Passerby Status

May 22, 2016 Matt Moldenhauer 0

WESTWOOD—Freshman James Beckstead noted he saw a figure approaching that very closely resembled his CHEM 14A study partner from the fall quarter, but as their […]

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Sleeping Classmate’s Nose Almost Touches Chest

May 22, 2016 Saniya Anand 0

WESTWOOD—Fourth-year Economics major Judy Caplin reported that her sleeping classmate’s nose had almost touched his chest during a philosophy lecture early Tuesday morning. “He was […]

Putrid Corpse Of Jackie Robinson Exhumed For Display On Campus Tours

May 22, 2016 Nathan Grovhoug 0

WESTWOOD—Posing genially next to the putrid corpse of the American hero, Gene Block announced today that the earthly remains of the legendary UCLA Alumnus, Jackie […]

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Student Hustles Cool Thousand From De Neve Pool Table

May 20, 2016 Luke Moran 0

WESTWOOD—Lighting up a cigarette and chalking off the tip of his cue with a flourish, self-described “alternative student” Justin Hernandez hustled a cool thousand at […]

Prospective Student Waits For Dad To Stop Eye-Banging Cheerleaders At Bruin Transfer Day

May 14, 2016 Peter Carman 0

WESTWOOD–Visiting from out of state and touring the campus on Bruin Transfer Day, prospective student John McDermot reportedly spent much of his time at UCLA […]

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