WESTWOOD—Posing genially next to the putrid corpse of the American hero, Gene Block announced today that the earthly remains of the legendary UCLA Alumnus, Jackie Robinson, will be contributing to the recruiting efforts of UCLA in what is being called one of the greatest posthumous displays of True Bruin spirit ever, second only to the spectral appearance of John Wooden during the 2012 graduation ceremonies.
“Jackie valued his year-and-a-half stay here on campus where he participated excellently in four different varsity sports and served as a paragon of True Bruin values, before he was forced to leave prior to graduation because he could not afford tuition,” said Gene Block, “but I can only assume that was out of our hands. Regardless, he would agree his time here, albeit short, was pivotal in his development as a baseball player, despite his seemingly poor performance on the team here at UCLA.”
Students who attended Bruin Day were given the opportunity to take pictures and shake the hand of Jackie Robinson’s decrepit remains that had been retrieved from his grave in Cypress Hills Cemetery, Brooklyn, where he had been interred next to his son and mother-in-law. Prospective students described the experience as “awesome,” “impactful,” and “a little smelly.”
“I can’t wait to see their reaction when they come face-to-face with the decomposing remnants of an American legend,” said Aaron Hughes, a UCLA tour guide and current employee of the New Student Orientation staff. “This is yet another example of UCLA pulling some strings and going the extra mile for their students. Ahhhhh U (clap clap clap) C (clap clap clap) L (clap clap clap) A (clap clap clap) U—C—L—A—fight! Fight! Fight!”
UCLA has 22 facilities that make up the Jackie Robinson Athletic Complex, dedicated in 2014, as well as an off campus baseball stadium dedicated to the Bruin hero with promises that even more eponymic facilities are on the way. UCLA acknowledges Robinson in these later years rather than in the racially charged years of Robinson’s debut in MLB, or any other time in the last 70 years, because they had a long list of people they had promised to get to first, and, according to a representative of the administration: “He just happened to be at the end of it.”
“He went here and we want to make sure people recognize that he went here,” said Admissions Officer Stephani Lewinsky. “Jackie Robinson played on this team for the time he was here, and he was here, mind you—at this university, UCLA. We want to acknowledge that fact and make sure whenever people think UCLA, they think about exceptional individuals like Jackie whose names and images we have taken the liberty of plastering all over this great university.”
Robinson’s rancid carcass will be used throughout the summer in recruitment efforts, then made available to particularly generous donors, until finally being freighted back to Brooklyn in a refrigerated railcar. In reaction to the recent spate of posthumous recognition, UCLA administration elected to amend the motto: “Bruin Born, Bruin Bred, Bruin ‘till the Day We’re Dead,” by vowing to carry on their support of alumni well after their soul has departed for greener pastures.