WESTWOOD—Admitting that he’s drawn to the idea of living a life of lust-filled gratification in an entropic universe with no intrinsic meaning, Philosophy major Anthony Bradley reported that he would definitely resort to nihilistic hedonism as a lifestyle if he were capable of getting laid.
“I find the idea pretty attractive,” Bradley said. “Living solely for pleasure, indulging in sensuous fantasies day and night. What’s not to like?”
The aspiring rejecter of all value in life has found a snag, however, in the fact that before engaging in lascivious acts of orgiastic depravity, he must first be capable of attracting a sexual partner.
“I hadn’t originally thought of that,” Bradley said. “It suddenly occurred to me in class while my professor was talking about Nietzsche and slave morality. ‘How the hell am I supposed to live hedonistically, which necessitates lots of crude sex with strangers, if I can’t even initiate casual sex at the most basic level?’”
The up-and-coming philosophical pessimist recounted several of his failed sexual experiences for us.
“I’ve never successfully gotten past second base,” he admitted. “I’ve noticed that they usually lose interest when I begin talking about Schopenhauer and how everything is ‘just a futile gesture in a lifetime of futile gestures.’ Seems to be a turn-off for them.”
At press time, Bradley reported that he might be willing to live according to Aristotelian virtue ethics if that meant he’d get to touch a goddamn boob every now and then.