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Month: February 2016

Academy Not Racist, Has Black Friend

February 28, 2016 Nathan Glovinsky 0

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Following accusations that the 2016 Academy Awards are biased against actors of color, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences confirmed […]

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Donald Trump Vows To Make Oscars Great Again

February 26, 2016 Jack Lyons 0

NEW YORK CITY—In light of the Academy’s response to controversy surrounding the homogeneity of the actors and films nominated for Oscars, businessman and Republican presidential […]

Man Unsure Where Ironic Self-Loathing Ends And Real Self-Loathing Begins

February 15, 2016 Jasmine Don 0

LOS ANGELES—Local man Tom Deluca confirmed Monday that he is no longer sure where his joking, lighthearted self-loathing ends and his genuine, deeply rooted self-loathing […]

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Rieber Smell To Destabilize Region By 2020

February 14, 2016 Isaac Williams 0

WESTWOOD—The UCLA Political Science department released a report Wednesday indicating that unless drastic actions were taken, the smell emanating from between the Rieber and Holly […]

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Sasha Obama To Stand On Sister’s Shoulders, Run For President

February 14, 2016 Isaac Williams 0

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Sasha Obama announced in a statement Tuesday that she plans to run for President of the United States while perched on the shoulders of […]

Report: All Late Night Curly Fries Traced Back To Single “Mother Fry”

February 14, 2016 Isaac Williams 0

WESTWOOD—In a report issued by the UCLA Center for Sustenance Research, scientists have confirmed that all curly fries from De Neve Late Night are traceable […]

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Infant Shocked To Learn Objects Permanent

February 14, 2016 Luke Moran 0

LOS ANGELES—Stunned and completely speechless, three month-year-old infant Andrew Calvert reported experiencing a deep shift in worldview today following the discovery that objects are permanent. […]

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POINT: We Need Smaller Class Sizes / COUNTERPOINT: I LIKE YELLING

February 14, 2016 Jessica Waite 0

Point Smaller Class Sizes Will Promote Better Learning By: Tamara Chang, 4th year English and Chemistry double major At UCLA, classes are just too large. […]

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Pro-Feast Militia Organizes and Occupies Dining Hall

February 14, 2016 Nathan Glovinsky 0

WESTWOOD—Following UCLA Dining Services’ decision to close residential dining hall Feast on the weekends, a group of students have occupied the dining hall in protest […]

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Student Still Believes She Can Make A Difference

February 14, 2016 Melissa Peng 0

WESTWOOD–Citing her optimistic attitude and enthusiastic involvement in several clubs, sources confirmed that first year Kelsey Weaver still thinks she can make a significant impact […]

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