Donald Trump Vows To Make Oscars Great Again

(Credit: Erick Yeh)
(Credit: Erick Yeh)

NEW YORK CITY—In light of the Academy’s response to controversy surrounding the homogeneity of the actors and films nominated for Oscars, businessman and Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump vowed to make the awards ceremony “great again” during a press conference at the Trump Tower this past Friday.

“The Academy used to be fabulous — I have terrific friends in the Academy, but let me tell you something,” exclaimed a visibly agitated Trump, donning a new “Make The Oscars Great Again” hat, “political correctness is ruining the entertainment industry.”

Trump’s comments stand in stark contrast to his acquaintances at the Academy, who have promised to take “historic action to increase diversity.”

“I have a great relationship with the blacks,” Trump boasted, with particles of spit projecting from his mouth and sweat streaming down the veins protruding from his forehead. “I loved Idris Elba in The Wire. But he’s stupid for talking crap about the Oscars. I don’t like him anymore. He’s an idiot. What a loser! I’ll never watch season 5 of The Office again!”

Prominent members of both the entertainment industry and the political realm have been quick to respond to Trump’s controversial comments.

“The year was 2015. I was deep in the Mexican jungle, slashing away at the vines that obstructed my path. The hot sun beating down on me, the mosquitos biting at my sweaty skin, the hunger that had accumulated over the past 12 days, it was enough to make a man crazy,” said actor Sean Penn, “and then I entered the abode of El Chapo, one of the most vile and savage human beings in the world. Trump is worse than him.”

Not everyone completely disagrees with Trump, however.

“I happen to agree with Donald here in that we are giving Oscars to the wrong people,” said Texas Senator and Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz. “Not only does this ‘diversity’ compromise traditional Christian American family values, but it ignores the real talent. As far as I’m concerned, in America’s entire cinematic history, only one actor has ever been worthy of an Oscar: my personal hero, President Ronald Reagan.”

In addition to his dissent against the Academy, Trump has called for a “total and complete shutdown of African-Americans entering California” until the country is certain that Hollywood is safe from threats posed by the minority community.

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Area Man. Freelance fraternity president. Aspiring father of two. Probable future Nobel laureate. Occasionally collude with Russia.