LOS ANGELES—Local man Tom Deluca confirmed Monday that he is no longer sure where his joking, lighthearted self-loathing ends and his genuine, deeply rooted self-loathing begins.
“Oh man, I just spent the entire day watching Netflix,” said Deluca, laughing as he brushed Oreo crumbs off of the front of his shirt. “Ha-ha, I’m such a lazy piece of shit, right? Ha-ha. Ha. Fuck! Why can’t I just get my shit together, man? Why does everyone else have it figured out but me? Why can’t I just tear out the part of me that makes me this way, and watch it burn? Why?”
Deluca reported that he originally began to characterize himself as a “lovable fuck-up” as a way of being ironically self-aware of his subpar social life, exercise habits, personal finances, and general lifestyle. However, he is unsure when this protective layer of irony began to crumble under the immense weight of his genuine self-hatred.
“Cereal for dinner three nights in a row – Mom would be proud,” said Deluca in a Facebook post last week. “Just kidding, she sacrificed so much to give me a good life after Dad left and I’m choosing to live like an animal. Oh God, she deserves a son who treats her better than I do. Why can’t I ever be anything more than a broken fucking person who doesn’t know how to love?”
When asked about his personal relationships, Deluca jokingly referred to the space occupying an empty chair beside him as his “girlfriend”. He then proceeded to punch a hole through the drywall in his bathroom, stating that his ex-fiancée Brianna Tyson “did the smart thing” by breaking off their engagement in 2013, speculating that he would have likely had a child by now and “fucked up his life too.”
Although Deluca plans to continue looking for the blurred line between his ironic, self-deprecating sense of humor and his deeply ingrained sense of worthlessness, he predicts that the distinction will remain unclear well into the foreseeable future.
“In the meantime, I’ll be working on writing my book. It’s titled Literal Human Garbage: An Autobiography,” said Deluca. “Ha-ha, just kidding. Me, writing a book. Can you imagine? Can you fucking imagine if I had anything worthwhile to say at all? I am so, so empty inside.”