Sasha Obama To Stand On Sister’s Shoulders, Run For President

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President Barack Obama, First Lady Michelle Obama, and their daughters, Sasha and Malia, sit for a family portrait in the Oval Office, Dec. 11, 2011. (Official White House Photo by Pete Souza) This official White House photograph is being made available only for publication by news organizations and/or for personal use printing by the subject(s) of the photograph. The photograph may not be manipulated in any way and may not be used in commercial or political materials, advertisements, emails, products, promotions that in any way suggests approval or endorsement of the President, the First Family, or the White House.Ê
President Barack Obama, First Lady Michelle Obama, and their daughters, Sasha and Malia, sit for a family portrait in the Oval Office, Dec. 11, 2011. (Official White House Photo by Pete Souza)

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Sasha Obama announced in a statement Tuesday that she plans to run for President of the United States while perched on the shoulders of her older sister, Malia. “I’ve done all the math,” Sasha said, “and if we get the right size trench coat and keep Malia’s squirming at a minimum, we should have a running chance at the nomination at the very least.”

She remarked that she had been to several Nordstrom stores over the past week and had found a trench coat she could afford with some help from “Uncle Joe’s platinum plastic,” and which gave the appearance of a single adult body. “With a coat like this, we could easily become tall enough to make some stops at Six Flags on our campaign tour.”

“Some may say that it’s been done before, in things like cartoons or comics, but I think this is one thing we can adapt to fit the needs of a growing number of Americans dissatisfied with the singular nature of the President.”

“We definitely have enough experience for this role,” Sasha said. “During Halloween a few years ago, I climbed on top of my sister’s shoulders and we snuck into FBI Headquarters. And let me tell you why I’m the face of the presidency–Malia wanted to look at Bigfoot folders, but I kept firm to our purpose and made sure we only looked at Project Blue Book files. What America really needs is a President who can control herself, even in the face of sure temptation–and what better person to do that than someone whose biggest threat comes from directly beneath her feet?”

“I’m guessing that during our term, we can accomplish things our competitors can’t begin to dream of. Can they even begin to imagine the feeling of taking the cookies off the top shelf of the pantry before their parents find out they’ve had two helpings of dessert? And, sure, Hillary would be the first female President, but we can easily double that promise.”

At press time, Sasha was unable to confirm her sister’s willingness to literally support her sibling for events such as press conferences, debates, and the eventual inauguration.