WESTWOOD—Following UCLA Dining Services’ decision to close residential dining hall Feast on the weekends, a group of students have occupied the dining hall in protest by staying past the closing time and refusing to leave. While the militia swears their occupation is peaceful, the group shows no intention of leaving until Dining Services reverses their recent policy change.
“This here restaurant belongs to ‘we the people’.” said third year political science major Matthew Thurnbrow, who has become the de facto leader of the rump militia after championing the cause in an online Facebook post. “We’ll be here enjoyin’ these left-over togarashi-spiced french fries until our big government steps back and brings power back to the people!”
Dining Services’ decision to close Feast on the weekends was a logistical maneuver taken to accommodate rising demand for the implementation of weekend hours for quick-swipe restaurant “Rendezvous.” Rendezvous is divided into two sides; the West serving “kind of” Mexican food and the East serving “passable” Asian cuisine.
“It don’t make no sense why the fancy government wants to open up a place that has a limited menu of fake Asian food, and close a whole darn dining hall that has a lot of it.” continued Thurnbrow, as he began rationing off packets of refrigerated soy sauce to the group. “It’s the liberals I tell ya, political correctness is ruining our god given campus.”
Mattathias and the militia refuse to leave the building until their demands are met, stating “Thank the lord tofu don’t expire.”