Roommate Unable To Clean Dorm Because Floor Is Lava
WESTWOOOD – In an emergency press conference inside your dorm today, your roommate announced they are unable to clean because the floor is lava. “I […]
Woke Mother Performs First Successful “Straight Conversion Therapy”
WEST HOLLYWOOD — On Tuesday, local woke mother Dorothy McBeal celebrated the results of months of grueling treatment as her first and only child finally […]
Supreme Court Brings Back Three-Fifths Compromise
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a blockbuster 5⅗–2⅗ decision, the Supreme Court has ruled Section 2 of the 14th Amendment unconstitutional, effectively allowing states to declare […]
Experimenting Princess Clarifies She “Could Kiss A Frog, But Never Date One”
FAIRYLAND — Today, one princess set the record straight about her sexual preferences after being caught with a frog. “Even though I had so much […]
Joe Bruin Bulks Up, Grows Beard For Pride Month
WESTWOOD — After undergoing twink death at the age of 99, beloved UCLA mascot Joe Bruin has now transformed into the bear he was meant […]
Top 5 UCLA Study Spots If You Don’t Need Outlets, Wifi, Tables or Chairs
1. Tongva Steps Nothing says “studious” like sitting on a wet, inclined plane surrounded by the sights, sounds, and smells of the vibrant UCLA slackline […]
Top Four Ways To Come Out To Your Family So They Can’t Say No
Coming out to your family can be difficult. From telling your uncle you’re bicurious to letting your little sister know you’re transgender, you never quite […]
“How Will This Affect Saffron And Rose?” Asks Guy Trying To Form Opinion On Iran War
WESTWOOD — After hearing about America’s bombing of Iran, one man still could not pick a side to support until knowing the fate of local […]
Scientists Discover Why Old People Smell Like That
WESTWOOD — A groundbreaking discovery was made at the UCLA Geriatric Research and Medical Association (GRAMA) this Tuesday, after an extensive study that involved locking […]