Opinion: I’m Walkin’ Here
MANHATTAN — Hey! Yeah, youse over there! I’m walkin’ here! You think you’re so classy in your fancy Toyota whip, huh? Oh, did I scare […]
Ralphs Employees Undergo Rizz Training To Compete With Trader Joe’s
WESTWOOD – With the illusion of a cashier maybe possibly wanting to sleep with you driving many to shop at Trader Joe’s, Southern California chain […]
New Chancellor To Be Chosen On “The Chancellorette” Mondays On ABC
BURBANK — Following declining viewership, ABC announced early Monday morning that they would be creating a new chancellor-themed spinoff to the hit reality TV show […]
Jealous LA Metro To Debut Bigger, Bluer Bus
LOS ANGELES – In a move described as “childish” and an “unjustifiable use of public funds,” the LA Metro announced late Friday night it would […]
Trader Joe’s Reveals Most Sales Come From That One Tote Bag
TRADER JOE’S HEADQUARTERS — Trader Joe’s executives have revealed that most of their sales for the year of our lord 2023 have come from their […]
Former Plane-Seat-Kicking Baby Now Lecture-Seat-Kicking Adult
WESTWOOD — The student who keeps kicking your seat during lecture recently disclosed that he has been training for this moment since he was a […]
Yes, Your Duffl Racer Is Judging Your 10 a.m. Vape Purchase
WESTWOOD — Sam McQueen, 5th-year electric scooter major, reports that as soon as your order came in, all the employees started making snarky comments and […]
Surprise! People Are Exiting The Elevator You’re About To Enter
WESTWOOD — First-year urban planning major Jimmy Johnson was shocked to find that there were people exiting the Rieber Hall elevator when it reached the […]
Point: Wire Mother Kind Of Serving / Counterpoint: Cloth Mother Ate It Up And Left No Crumbs
Point: Wire Mother Kind Of Serving By: A Baby Rhesus Monkey Okay, is it just me or is wire mother lowkey serving today? I was […]
REPORT: The People In Line At Kerckhoff Definitely Want To Hear About Your Sex Life
WESTWOOD — A survey conducted by the Daily Bruin concluded that the patrons of the historic Kerckhoff Coffee House definitely want to learn all the […]