Ralphs Employees Undergo Rizz Training To Compete With Trader Joe’s

WESTWOOD – With the illusion of a cashier maybe possibly wanting to sleep with you driving many to shop at Trader Joe’s, Southern California chain grocer Ralphs has made the unprecedented decision to have its employees undergo what it dubs “Rizz Training.” “I was skeptical at first, but when I went to Trader Joe’s and the cashier asked me what I was doing with the rest of my night in that platonic but also oddly sensual tone, I would’ve bought as many bags of those knock-off Takis that they asked me to,” said Ralphs executive Ralph S, while sneakily stashing a framed picture of his wife and kids in his desk. “I’ve realized this is the future of customer service. When was the last time you were offered a safe space to have innocent thoughts about cheating on your spouse? That’s a gap in the market we can fill.” At press time, executives were demonstrating new self-checkout machines that slonk on your shit silly style.