REPORT: The People In Line At Kerckhoff Definitely Want To Hear About Your Sex Life

WESTWOOD — A survey conducted by the Daily Bruin concluded that the patrons of the historic Kerckhoff Coffee House definitely want to learn all the visceral details of your last sexual encounter while they drink their morning coffee. “It’s so great getting to hear about every single position you were in the other night,” said Oliver Jenn, who was spending the remaining nine dollars in his savings on a vomit-green matcha latte. “I mean, we’re all jazzed to know that you have a healthy sex life, and honestly, being willing to announce it loud enough to drown out the barista’s indie-pop playlist is just so confident of you!” At press time, Jenn was giving a demonstration of your story to his aghast study group using a donut and a used paper straw.