Dune: Part Two Beats Out Magic Mike To Become Highest Grossing Film To Feature A Massive Worm
LOS ANGELES — With a stunning $500 million domestic box office revenue, Denis Villenueve’s Dune: Part Two has passed Magic Mike’s $167 million revenue to […]
Guy Who’s Not Happy To See You Just Has Banana In Pocket
WESTWOOD — Area man Jeremy Bentham clarified Tuesday that he was not, in fact, aroused by your presence, and that the bulge in his pants […]
Biden Administration Demands Ceasefire In Gaza: “But It’s Chill If Not No Worries”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following an announcement from Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu that the attack on Rafah would proceed despite international pressure, the Biden administration […]
Filthy Stinking Liar Doesn’t Actually Have To Sneeze
WESTWOOD — Local student and wretched deceiver Al Ergiess showed his true colors on Wednesday when he appeared to prepare for a sneeze that ultimately […]
Local White Boy Makes Big Splash In Intramural Dodgeball Scene
WESTWOOD — As the winter quarter IM season wraps up, overly competitive white boys who have never had success in real sports are experiencing the […]
A Win For Diversity! This White Latina Thinks She Is A POC Because Her Parents Can Make Empanadas
WESTWOOD — Third-year white Latinx student Layla Rodriguez barged into a conversation about racism to share her experience growing up as a person of color […]
What Your Backpack Says About You, Including When And Where You Enjoy Your Last Breath
A student’s choice of backpack arguably decides the path they take for the rest of their miserable life. What you pick to stow your laptop […]
5 Reasons Your Door Lock Is Always Mad At You
Every day you come home and your door lock just refuses to tell you what it’s upset about this time. Juggling the day’s groceries in […]
“SHE’S FINE!” And 3 More Things To Yell At Bystanders While Your Bestie Barfs In A Planter
It’s Thirsty Thursday and your bestie’s thirst has been more than sufficiently quenched by Tito’s and lukewarm vending machine Diet Starry. Her face is buried […]