ISIS Seizes Two Hundred Square Miles Of Sand
SYRIA – In an offensive launched from northern Ar-Raqqah last night, the Islamic State seized control of a two hundred square mile stretch of uninhabited […]
Employer Impressed By Student’s Overqualification
LOS ANGELES—Following a thorough investigation of his resume, along with a brief interview with the student in question, local employer and head of A&R Consulting […]
Engineering Major Just In It For The Lack Of Female Contact
WESTWOOD — Observing that women are “never worth it anyways” and that getting an education is “much more rewarding than a relationship could ever be”, […]
Marvel Announces 525,949 New Marvel Movies For Next Year
HOLLYWOOD — Today at the Hollywood Comics Convention, Marvel Studios President Kevin Feige announced 525,949 new Marvel movies would come out next year. “Audiences around […]
Campus To Feature Three New Construction Sites By 2016
WESTWOOD – In accordance with newly-ordained construction regulations, UCLA administration announced plans to add an additional three new construction sites to campus this week, slated […]
New Student Catches Cold, Not Sure What They Did To Deserve It
WESTWOOD — Complaining about a constant runny nose and high body temperature, freshman Jenny Clark is in complete disbelief about the reasons for the sickness […]
TFT Tests Positive For James Franco
WESTWOOD — A test issued at random last Tuesday by the Centers for Celebrity Disease Control came up positive on multiple counts of Celebrity, indicating […]
Tragedy Strikes at Local Spelling Bee. Tragedy. T-R-A-G-E-D-Y. Tragedy.
LOS ANGELES — The 6th Annual Rosen Spelling Bee competition was struck with tragedy Saturday evening as the burning of electrical wires sparked off a […]
Students Vow To Start Procrastinating Earlier In Quarter
WESTWOOD – After an academically disappointing quarter, a group of second-year UCLA students has resolved to start procrastinating earlier next quarter. “Normally I don’t feel guilty […]
6 AM Great Time To Leaf-Blow Outside Dorms
WESTWOOD – Recent reports from UCLA groundskeepers indicate that 6AM is the ideal time to leaf-blow the area outside of the dorms. “It’s so quiet, […]