Study: The Sea Is An Unforgiving Mistress
SAN DIEGO, CA—Recent studies compiled by various mateys and seadogs have unanimously concluded that, despite the proposals made by hapless landlubbers, the sea is a […]
Roommate Alarmed By Number Of Un-Ironic Halloween Decorations
WESTWOOD—Student Ariel Johnson reported feeling increasingly alarmed this week by the number of un-ironic Halloween decorations that her roommates have put up in their room. […]
Freshman Milks Common App Essay For One More Club Application
WESTWOOD– Sources revealed that first-year Russell Price was successful in milking his Common App essay one last time for his final club application of the […]
“Thanks For The Spit!” Says Spit Fetishist Outside Trump Rally
RICHMOND, VA—After scouring the Richmond venue for human secretions with a homemade vacuum attached to a large mason jar worn on his back, Clement Augustine […]
Bruin Walk Troll Runs Out Of Riddles, Begins Asking Students If They’re Interested In A Cappella
WESTWOOD—Sources confirmed last Tuesday that the infamous troll of Bruin Walk, Jiles Grumpus, has run out of riddles and begun asking students if they are […]
Couple Perfect For Each Other Not Even Kind Of Okay For Anyone Else
LOS ANGELES — Local woman Lauren Collins and her boyfriend Jason Cho are reportedly “perfect for each other,” according to sources close to the pair […]
Google Maps Introduces “Avoid Wilshire” Route Option
LOS ANGELES—Google Maps introduced an update this week that allows drivers to opt for a route that avoids navigation through Wilshire Boulevard. “Originally, we tested […]
Professor Emails Syllabus To See Which Nerds Respond
WESTWOOD—Professor Alondra Ma emailed a copy of the syllabus to her chemistry students instead of presenting it in class so she could note which nerds […]
Student Unclear On How 20% Curved To B But They’re Rollin’ With It
WESTWOOD— First year student Steven Bork recently received the results for his first Physics midterm. Bork recalled “fighting back tears” and feeling as though he […]
White Girl Totally Gets Black Lives Matter, But Has Her Own Take On The Issue
MALIBU, CA—Local white girl Lindsey Clayton totally understands where Black Lives Matter, the movement protesting police brutality against African Americans, is coming from, but she […]