President Trump To Institute Ban On Facts Until Further Notice
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an address from the Oval Office today, President Donald J. Trump declared that he was instituting a ban on all facts […]
Los Angeles Monsoon Takes The Lives Of Four Thousand Leather Shoes
LOS ANGELES, CA — A mass grave erected in the middle of Brentwood was completed today, with an ornate tombstone dedicating the site to the […]
Report: My Break Was Good, How Was Yours?
WESTWOOD—Scientists recently concluded a comprehensive study following UCLA’s winter recess that indicates that my break was good, how was yours? Mine was pretty relaxing; I […]
New Dining Hall Somehow More Pretentious Than B-Plate
WESTWOOD—In an impressive display of extravagance, UCLA Housing recently unveiled a new dining hall, which is somehow even more pretentious than Bruin Plate. The Study […]
Supreme Playground Court Upholds 5 Second Rule
TOPEKA, KS— In a narrow 5-4 vote, the Supreme Playground Court of Smileyvale Elementary School ruled that the “Five Second Rule” was constitutional. “We really […]
Teen Disappointed Safe Space Lacks Wifi
WESTWOOD—Although thankful she has a space to comfortably feel free of hostilities, third-year gender studies major Charlotte Smith expressed concerns over the lack of reliable […]
LAPD Pissed They Have To Take Freeway For Car Chase
LOS ANGELES—Two police officers from the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD) said they were pissed off that they had to take the 405 freeway in […]
Santa Delivers Coal To Rust Belt, Stimulating Economy
Johnstown, PA–In the early hours of Christmas morning, Santa Claus helped president-elect Donald J. Trump deliver on his campaign promise to reinvigorate the rust belt’s […]
God Confused About Fidel Castro Death Reaction
THE HEAVENS— After scrolling through Facebook over the weekend, God expressed genuine confusion regarding humanity’s reaction to Cuban dictator Fidel Castro’s death. “I thought we […]
Dr. Ben Carson Appointed To Remove Stick From Mike Pence’s Ass
WASHINGTON–With Donald J. Trump’s transition team still filling positions in his cabinet, the president-elect has announced the appointment of retired neurosurgeon and former primary rival […]