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Study: Lululemon Attire Also Good For Doing Yoga

May 1, 2017 Hannah Page 0

WESTWOOD—A new study performed by the UCLA Sports Medicine Center recently confirmed that the popular “athleisure” clothing produced by Lululemon Athletica is also good for […]

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UCLA to Eliminate Fraternities to Help Achieve Goal of Zero Waste by 2020

May 1, 2017 Jose Diaz de Leon 0

WESTWOOD—UCLA has just announced its plan to progressively eliminate fraternities within three years to help achieve its goal of zero waste by 2020. “It just […]

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Report: This D&D Campaign Is Off to a Wild Start

May 1, 2017 Jessica Waite 0

WESTWOOD—Gathered around a pile of spellbooks and props, fourth year Melanie Rodriguez eagerly rolled the dice on a new Dungeons and Dragons campaign. “God, we […]

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Op-Ed: I Don’t See Color, I Have a Serious Disability

May 1, 2017 Timothy Ang 0

It’s been all over the news lately – #BlackLivesMatter, #BlueLivesMatter, #WhiteLivesMatterToo. People are arguing left and right that they don’t see color, or that color […]

Student Still Thinks Next Quarter Will Be Better

May 1, 2017 Hannah Page 0

WESTWOOD — Despite years of experience suggesting otherwise, third year political science major Gianna Palos still thinks next quarter will be better. “I’m really going […]

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Student Unsure Which Profession She Wants To Grow To Hate Over Next 40 Years

May 1, 2017 Nathan Grovhoug 0

WESTWOOD—Overwhelmed by the excessive quantity of tedious and inconsequential career paths available to her, biology major Yasmine Adar announced she was unsure what profession she […]

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Weak, Lazy Pre-Med Prioritizes Sleep

April 30, 2017 Hannah Page 0

WESTWOOD–In a statement released last Thursday, second year physiological science major, Jonathan Michaelson, confirmed that he does indeed value sleep more than some academic endeavors. […]

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Local Homeless Man Now Takes Venmo

April 30, 2017 Jose Diaz de Leon 0

WESTWOOD—Local homeless man Rusty, on the corner of Westwood and Weyburn, has announced that he will now be accepting donations through the Venmo application. “People […]

Rock Bottom Student Grudgingly Joins Christian Fellowship

April 30, 2017 Nathan Grovhoug 0

WESTWOOD—Surrendering himself to a life of chipper pamphlet distribution, Biology major Alex Kim reportedly joined a Christian fellowship group on campus after being seduced by […]

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Exciting News: Hovering Over Public Toilets Proves To Be Most Effective Ab Workout

April 30, 2017 Salma Zaky 0

BEVERLY HILLS – A recent study has revealed that the most practical way to work out your abs is by hovering over public toilets. “Whenever […]

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  • Bruin Walk Sales Revealed To Be First Level Of Purgatory

    BRUIN WALK — In an exclusive interview with the Enabler, prolific Bruin Walk salesperson Ven Moe disclosed today that selling wares on the well-trod pathway […]

  • A Letter To Prospective Student Tour Groups: I’m Better Than You

    Dear prospective student tour groups, I was once like you. Young, naïve, a newbie to the UCLA campus jungle. What separates me from you, though, […]

  • Penn State Score Prediction: 22 Dead, 83 Injured

    PASADENA — As Penn State’s Nittany Lions prepare to play the Bruins this Saturday, recent reports from the top experts at FanDuel Sportsbook have revealed […]

  • I Lived It: Blackout Was Nothing Like The Cake From De Neve

    WESTWOOD — ‘Twas the first Thursday of the quarter. I had just spent a whirlwind night with the rankly perspiring men of Sigma Nu, but […]

  • One Millionth Cough Award Given To Guy In The Back Row Of Your Lecture

    WESTWOOD — Bunche Hall 1209B made history this Thursday after a guy in the back row of your lecture received the One Millionth Cough Award, […]

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