It finally happened. Despite being so against equity and inclusion, Trump finally did something to level the playing field between you pre-meds and us humanities, social science, and CS majors. By cutting funding to those labs y’all always bitch and moan about, your biology degree is now just as useless as my fuck-ass music industry and art history double major. Have fun applying to the same 200+ barista jobs on Indeed like the rest of us and explaining to your parents why you need to move back in with them for the foreseeable future.
For everyone saying that these funding cuts would devastate life-saving research, you fail to consider how these cuts are actually helping the lives of so many non-STEM majors. Do you know how much shit I had to go through when I came out to my family as a music major? Family members pleaded with me to just be normal and go into medicine. I was faced with repeated questions of “How much do producers make in a year?” and “Do you really think you’re going to be the next Benson Boone?” They said my knowledge about Imogen Heap’s whimsical music gloves wasn’t “important” or “productive for society.” Well guess what? Neither is the knowledge of medicine and public health. I’ll never have to hear that medicine is the only path out of broke-ness ever again.
Setting cancer research behind by, like, 20 years is a small price to pay to never hear you guys yap about labs, research, med school, residency, becoming a pediatric neurosurgeon, saving lives, and whatever other bullshit ever again. Yeah, my grandma has cancer, but let’s be real, she isn’t going to live long enough for your research to impact her treatment anyway. Honestly, she would die happy knowing I’m set to live in a more equitable society, where no major-based social hierarchy exists, because we’re all fucked by the job market equally. Besides, if any one of you actually did find a cure for cancer, a CIA-backed bullet would find itself lodged in the front of your skull within five business days. I’m sure your family wouldn’t mind you whisking matcha in Silverlake for a living when the alternative is burying your body.
All you pre-meds out there always complain that you’ll “never need your humanities classes in real life,” but now you’ll never need your neuroscience classes either. Maybe if you paid attention in your intro to censorship GE instead of whining about the MCAT on Reddit, you’d understand why the Trump administration thinks your biochem lab should be broke instead of secretly woke.