5 Tips On How To Have A Jew-“ish” Passover Seder
1. Show up late. “Early” is on time, and “on time” is late? NAH! “On time” is as real as your aunt’s nose, and “late” […]
comedy
Straight Basketball Players Unionize After Highest Gay Per Capita WNBA Draft
NEW YORK CITY — Straight WNBA players are more outnumbered than ever after the 2025 Draft, sparking the formation of the Straight Union of Ballers […]
Roommates Nationwide Participate in “Never Leave Your Fucking Bed” Challenge
WESTWOOD — According to the National Roommate Association, a dangerous new craze is sweeping the nation: the “Never Leave Your Fucking Bed” challenge. “HEYYYYYYY whatsgoinonguysitsyaboy […]
Bruin Day Tour Group Throws Peanuts At Students
WESTWOOD — UCLA Campus Tours announced that as a Bruin Day special, each admitted students tour now comes with a free bag of peanuts for […]
Intrepid Daily Bruin Reporters Find Out Julio Frenk’s Favorite Color
WESTWOOD — After a grueling investigation that involved bugging meeting rooms, undercover operations, and wiretapping, the Daily Bruin has made headline news announcing that they […]
UCLA Offers Permanent Study Abroad Program
WESTWOOD — Today, UCLA’s administration announced its generous offering of a permanent study abroad program for international students. “As this God-chosen nation’s #1 public university, […]
Great Depression Preemptively Named “World Depression One”
WASHINGTON, D.C. – This morning, The White House announced via executive order the official renaming of The Great Depression to “World Depression One.” “It’s important […]
Uh Oh! New Police Sketch Artist Can Only Draw Realistic Eyes
LOS ANGELES — Disaster struck this morning as the LAPD discovered that their new sketch artist was only able to draw hyperrealistic eyes. “I started […]
Opinion: Each Study Buddy Should Count As A Body
Having a study buddy is so intimate. You see, I have one, and we have this transactional arrangement where we meet late at night in […]