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Student Voices

Blurry photo of woman with bloody bandage on head giving a thumbs-up to the camera.

Opinion: I Don’t Have A Concussion, Here’s Why. Opinion: I Don’t Have A Concussion

May 13, 2025 Claudia Bloom 0

Opinion: They Should Let The New Pope Have Gay Sex Once So He Can See If It Should Still Be Banned Or Not

May 7, 2025 Gabe McNeill 0

With the death of Pope Francis, the first “woke pope,” the cardinals will soon enter conclave to pick the newest pontifex. I liked Pope Francis. […]

James Charles, Katie Fang, and Carter Kench's Coachella outfits on a backdrop of the Coachella music festival.

Opinion: Shut The Fuck Up About Coachella

April 19, 2025 Maggie Kwan 0

An open letter to everyone on Instagram who is about to go to Coachella this weekend: SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!! I DO NOT CARE!!! I’m […]

OPINION: Your Boyfriend Doesn’t Have “Golden Retriever Energy,” He’s Just White and Boring

April 2, 2025 Azalea Morris 0

Your boyfriend’s a bitch!!!!!!!!! In case it wasn’t clear, here’s the difference between your boyfriend and a Golden Retriever: Your boyfriend is not an innocent […]

Fat Sal’s And Five Other UCLA Traditions That Suck Ass

March 19, 2025 Gabe McNeill 0

The only time I’ve ever been to Fat Sal’s was when I was either drunk or high out of my mind, which makes sense because […]

“Do You Know What Today Is?” Asks Biggest Dweeb You Know

March 14, 2025 Dana Badii and Shayne Sweet 0

WESTWOOD — This morning, students all over campus had their peace interrupted by the biggest dweeb around asking if they knew what day it was. […]

UCLA’S Top Five Sexually Eligible Statues

March 12, 2025 Shayne Sweet 0

5. John Wooden It’s no surprise that a man whose first and last names both mean penis is coming in hot on this list. John […]

Top Five Goonable Robots

March 7, 2025 David Doutman 0

Robots. One of the greatest and most attractive inventions ever thought up. They can help you with chores, they have superhuman strength, and best of […]

Opinion: Red Flag? Green Flag? It’s Time To Wave The White Flag of Surrender

February 14, 2025 Ava Allam 0

I see you, sitting there on some dating app. I know you desperately lingered in the Rocco’s line last weekend, hoping by the grace of […]

Opinion: If You’re Buying Valentine’s Day Gifts From The Hilltop Shop, You Don’t Deserve Your Girlfriend

February 14, 2025 Shayne Sweet 0

Fellas – I know midterms are tough. I know it’s so hard to feel romantic in these trying times. I know you straight up forgot […]

Posts pagination

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  • Julio Frenk Takes “Fuck the Police” Seriously, Last Seen Naked In Royce Hall

    WESTWOOD — After a recent protest marched up to Murphy Hall, home of the office of the chancellor, Julio Frenk decided to hear out the […]

  • “Counting To 10” And Other Woke Ideologies Sesame Street Is Using To Indoctrinate Your Kids

    Well, it’s official: President Trump has signed an executive order cutting funding to PBS. And thank the canonically white God, because the hit kids’ show […]

  • UCPD Relapses After Suffering Arrest Withdrawals

    WESTWOOD – Last night, UCPD relapsed in their ongoing addiction to arresting innocent students by violently swarming a movie screening and arresting two attendees. “The […]

  • UCPD Arrests Student For Thinking About Palestine

    WESTWOOD — UCPD officers reported that their week of sitting on their asses at Royce has finally proven useful as they arrested a passerby for […]

  • Man standing in a mirror maze, pointing to reflections of himself. He looks very bewildered.

    Other Idiots in Mirror Maze Going The Wrong Way

    HELL — Following a trip to the local mirror maze, resident genius Leon Noel scoffed at all the morons in there going the wrong direction. […]

Featured Authors

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Gabe McNeill
  • Five Reasons Why I Didn’t Ruin The Vibe By Throwing Up In De Neve
  • Opinion: They Should Let The New Pope Have Gay Sex Once So He Can See If It Should Still Be Banned Or Not
  • Other Idiots in Mirror Maze Going The Wrong Way
Sam Rusk
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style
  • Time Flies: 2005 Baby Officially Queer Elder

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