League Of Legends Classified As Schedule I Drug
Washington D.C. – Earlier today, the Drug Enforcement Administration issued a statement regarding the League of Legends epidemic. “Countless studies have shown secondhand effects of […]
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Early Hominids Clustered Around John Wooden Monolith Miraculously Discover Tool Usage, Basketball
DAWN OF MAN – Following reports that a mysterious large black monolith has encased the John Wooden statue on Bruinwalk, a local group of early […]
New Religion Course Taught by Boy Who Experienced Empathy For First Time After Shroom Trip
WESTWOOD — After tripping balls at a Phish concert and realizing other people have feelings, fifth-year general studies major, Gunner Helloden, was offered a tenure-track […]
Project 2025 Announces “Pussylight Savings Time” Forcing Women To Set Back Their Menstrual Cycle Each Fall
Washington, D.C. — Project 2025 has added an innovative new pillar of conservatism to reclaim our nation: “Pussylight Savings Time,” which will forcibly set every […]
Opinion: Election Day Is Less Exciting Now That I’m Not In Eighth-Grade History Class
Picture this: It’s 2016, Harambe just died, an app called Musical.ly was taking the world by storm, and there’s one thing that everyone is asking: […]
The Westwood Enabler Endorses Joe Biden For President
Most presidential elections are, at their core, about two different visions of America. This one is different. This election calls into question the very existence […]
