WESTWOOD — After tripping balls at a Phish concert and realizing other people have feelings, fifth-year general studies major, Gunner Helloden, was offered a tenure-track position teaching RELIGN 420: Empathy. “The university is funding research into how my actions might affect other people. Have you ever thought about that before?” said Helloden, interrupting a Gender Studies lecture to grace them with his blond dreadlocks. “Ever heard of enlightenment? Yeah, I’ve already achieved it. Pfft, Buddha has nothing on me. Chakras…third eye…society… Man, don’t even get me started about the plight of women. …Chakras.” At press time, Helloden was seen offering extra credit to students who have achieved ego death, but only if they buy drugs from him.
