Trump Announces Plan To Create Safe Spaces For Bigots
NEW YORK, N.Y.—Citing the the cast of Hamilton and their address to Mike Pence last night, Donald Trump today announced his plan to create safe […]
National
Nation’s Forks Feeling Overworked
WASHINGTON D.C.—Citing the vast overuse of their bodies for eating various foods, the nation’s forks are declaring a national crisis. “Frankly speaking, we’re just too […]
Other Amendments Wondering How They Can Be More Controversial
WASHINGTON D.C. – A conservative movement to #abolishthe19th has taken Twitter by storm this past week, leaving the other twenty-something amendments of the Constitution feeling […]
White Girl Totally Gets Black Lives Matter, But Has Her Own Take On The Issue
MALIBU, CA—Local white girl Lindsey Clayton totally understands where Black Lives Matter, the movement protesting police brutality against African Americans, is coming from, but she […]
Local Voter Somehow Still Undecided
LOS ANGELES — Local keysmith and registered voter Adam Wells has still not decided which candidate he will support for President of the United States […]
President Reagan Hologram Booked To Perform At Republican National Convention
WASHINGTON, DC — At a press conference held at the Republican National Committee headquarters earlier today, RNC chairman Reince Priebus jubilantly announced that he had […]
Report: Area Man Has Time To Get Sick
LOS ANGELES—After delaying the onset of a cold for the past month, area man Jeff Martin announced that he is now ready to fight the […]
Report: Not Even Michael Jackson Knew Words To “Thriller”
LOS ANGELES—Newly released footage of Michael Jackson backstage during his 1987 Bad World Tour reveals that not even the iconic pop singer knew the words […]
Child of Divorce Gets All The Cool Shit, Peers Say
CLEVELAND, OH—Citing his endless supply of expensive gifts including long distance RC helicopters and a mini TV, peers of Anthony Morega, a second grader at […]
Cultured Man Likes Shakespeare On Facebook
WESTWOOD—Local cultural elite Arthur Chesterfield was reported to have liked William Shakespeare’s page on Facebook earlier today. “I just really think the English canon would […]