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National

Meteorologists Struggle to Name New Hurricanes

December 19, 2018 Alice Wong 0

MIAMI, FL — Rising global temperatures accompanied increased numbers of named storms this hurricane season, pushing storm-naming techniques into the center of meteorological debate. “If […]

National Crisis Averted By New National Crisis

November 26, 2018 Max Flora 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Last week, the United States experienced a tragic event that altered the lives of many and was covered by every news outlet […]

Taylor Swift to Start New, Flirtier Political Party

November 11, 2018 Aileen Carey 0

NASHVILLE, TN — In response to backlash regarding her recent endorsement for the Democratic party, Taylor Swift has released a statement regarding her plans to start […]

Domino’s Announces Free Eye Drops Now Included With Large Pizza

November 4, 2018 Max Flora 0

ANN ARBOR, MI – On Thursday, Domino’s Pizza Chief Operating Officer Russell Weiner announced that customers will now receive complimentary eye drops with their delivery […]

Supreme Court Now Looks More Like Sex Offender Registry

October 6, 2018 Ross Rosenthal 0

WASHINGTON, DC — With the confirmation of former District of Columbia Appeals Judge Brett Kavanaugh today, pundits agree that the United States Supreme Court now […]

Kavanaugh Drinks Seventeen Glasses Of Wine To Cope With Investigation Announcement

September 30, 2018 Brian McReynolds 0

WASHINGTON, DC — After hearing that FBI will be investigating the sexual assault allegation against him, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh drank 17 glasses of […]

Bill Cosby Nominated To Supreme Court

September 26, 2018 Kylie Kinne 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press briefing this morning from Washington, President Donald Trump announced his nomination of popular comedian and actor Bill Cosby to […]

Bruin Republicans Hold Emergency Summer Meeting

August 22, 2018 Ross Rosenthal 0

WESTWOOD — On Tuesday afternoon, Bruin Republicans President John Lawrence called an emergency meeting after Michael Cohen implicated President Trump in illegal cover-up payments and […]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg To Embark On Quest For Immortality

June 27, 2018 Nathan Glovinsky 0

WASHINGTON, D. C. — After learning that President Donald Trump will be appointing another Supreme Court Justice, Ruth Bader Ginsburg has announced that she will […]

Miss America Pageant to Replace Swimsuit Competition With Naked Mud Wrestle

June 6, 2018 Anya Bayerle 0

NEW YORK —The Miss America Organization has reportedly dropped the swimsuit portion of the competition, replacing the category with a WWE-style naked mud wrestle. “We […]

Posts pagination

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  • Math Professor Doesn’t Know That Half Of Ten Weeks Is Five Weeks

    WESTWOOD — This week, local math professor Dr. Ivil has come under fire after scheduling a midterm for Week 4, a week that is definitively […]

  • Stolen Goods Stolen From Place With Exclusively Stolen Goods

    PARIS — Parisian police officers were stunned to discover this weekend that priceless jewels were stolen from the Louvre, a place that exclusively houses priceless […]

  • BPlate Announces Collab With McDonald’s To Ensure Froyo Machine Breaks More Often

    WESTWOOD – In a surprise new development, BPlate has announced a partnership with the fast food chain McDonald’s to ensure that the froyo machine remains […]

  • Government Shutdown Finally Hits Canvas

    WESTWOOD — Students everywhere awoke this morning to the modern equivalent of snow outside their windows: Canvas has been shut down due to bipartisan gridlock. […]

  • Opinion: If You A Stressed Baddie Who Procrastinated Before Canvas Went Down, This One’s For You

Featured Authors

mm
Georgia McNeill
  • Antisemitism Is Over! Trump Administration Cuts Funding From Cancer Research
  • Top Four Ways To Come Out To Your Family So They Can’t Say No
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
Sam Rusk
  • Top 5 UCLA Study Spots If You Don’t Need Outlets, Wifi, Tables or Chairs
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style

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