Kavanaugh Drinks Seventeen Glasses Of Wine To Cope With Investigation Announcement

WASHINGTON, DC — After hearing that FBI will be investigating the sexual assault allegation against him, Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh drank 17 glasses of Duckhorn Napa Valley Merlot to calm his nerves. “Hearing the FBI will be looking into my past is pretty stressful, but there’s nothing like a little red to take the edge off,” said Kavanaugh, after uncorking his second bottle of the afternoon. The FBI will be investigating the allegation from Kavanaugh’s days at a prestigious all boys high school, the type of institution where male students are known for displaying profound respect towards women. “At least I get a week off now. I don’t even remember the last time I just sat down and enjoyed a bottle,” said Kavanaugh, who swore under oath that he has never blacked out from drinking. After finishing his fourth bottle of the day, Kavanaugh was seen vomiting in his bathroom, blaming it on his “weak stomach.”