Gene Block Purchases Gene Glock Following Recent Budget Cuts
WESTWOOD — Due to recent budget cuts, Chancellor Gene Block has begun pushing for a new cost-cutting and productivity-boosting measure: murder. “Even if we shoot […]
Campus
This Year, Gene Block Is Thankful You Haven’t Heard About The Mold Yet
WESTWOOD — As Thanksgiving approaches and the UCLA community undergoes the largest strike in recent history, Gene Block is grateful for your ignorance of the […]
On-Campus Squirrels Now Required To Purchase Meal Plan
WESTWOOD — — UCLA Dining made the controversial decision Monday to require on-campus squirrels to purchase a meal plan. “We make all the other on-campus […]
Student Points Out Movie Was Filmed At UCLA, Cums
WESTWOOD — First-year Jacques Mehoff has been struggling with non-coital emissions during recent group movie nights watching films he personally picked out. “Did you know […]
Elon Musk Buys UCLA
WESTWOOD — After his $44 billion purchase of Twitter proved financially ruinous, billionaire Elon Musk has decided to buy UCLA in hopes of recouping his […]
USC Begins Rivalry Week By Halving TA Wages
LOS ANGELES — USC President Carol Folt announced earlier today that in honor of rivalry week, teaching assistants at USC would have their wages cut […]
Loser Has No Addictions
WESTWOOD— Fourth-year physics major John McMan shocked local partygoers when he revealed he has no life-consuming addictions. “I offered him a cigarette and he was […]
Gene Block Says Campus Wifi Won’t Truly Get Better Until It Learns To Accept Help
WESTWOOD— Gene Block told the UCLA community on Wednesday that administrators staged a “promising” intervention with the campus WiFi, but admitted that we can’t expect […]
UCLA To Replace Inverted Fountain With Perverted Fountain
WESTWOOD — After months of deliberation, UCLA has decided to halt mechanical repairs on the Inverted Fountain and replace it with a new-and-improved Perverted Fountain. […]
From “Ick” To “Sick”: The Guy You Were Planning On Ghosting Just Gave You Chlamydia
WESTWOOD — Second-year communications major and amateur juggler Mike Rowe Dong is reported to have given you chlamydia after a night of passionless sex. Your […]