“Say It Ain’t Saur:” Weezer Embarks On Australian Tour
SYDNEY — The American rock band Weezer has just announced their upcoming tour, titled “Say It Ain’t Saur: Australiaur 2023.” “We’ve translated all of our […]
Life
Opinion: No, Your Shared Spotify Playlist With Your Ex Is Not A Subliminal Message
I know what it’s like to go through a break up. I understand the urge to read into their every Instagram like and Bitmoji location […]
Opinion: IBS Isn’t Hot Because Diarrhea Is Gross, Actually
Have you heard about how hot girls have IBS? How all the hottest girls are on a low FODMAP diet and can’t look at a […]
7 Reasons To Stop Bitching About The Rain
I get it. You’re a spoiled Californian who has never experienced “seasons” or the minor inconvenience known as rain. Well, quit your whining. I happen […]
Wuss Uses Umbrella In Thunderstorm
WESTWOOD — Bearing resemblance to a spoon-fed toddler, local wuss Jimmy Wetblanket was spotted using an umbrella on campus following thunderstorm warnings. “I don’t understand […]
Fetishist Senator Gravely Misunderstands U.S.’ Inflation Problem
WASHINGTON, D.C.— The office of Senator Martha Lovelace (R-AR) is scrambling to spin an unfortunate gaffe made in the joint committee on taxation hearings earlier […]
Student Enters Long-Distance Relationship with Hedrick Summit Resident
WESTWOOD — After long deliberation, first-year Dykstra resident Elizabeth Lowes has decided to follow her heart and pursue a long-distance relationship with Hedrick Summit resident […]
“Don’t Worry, It’s Not COVID,” Says Woman With Rabies
TALLAHASSEE — After showing up to work with a high fever, Florida native Olivia Yeller reassured her coworkers that she does not have COVID, but […]
Nerds Take Over Covel Piano
COVEL COMMONS— The hearts, souls, and especially ears of residents of The Hill are being terrorized by the sounds emanating from the Covel Piano. “I […]