“Don’t Worry, It’s Not COVID,” Says Woman With Rabies

TALLAHASSEE — After showing up to work with a high fever, Florida native Olivia Yeller reassured her coworkers that she does not have COVID, but is instead suffering from late-stage rabies. “I was deep in the wilderness when a wily beast with foam ‘bout the mouth sunk his chompers into my calf,” said Yeller, who insisted her rapid test was negative before she tore it apart with her bare hands. “When people think I have COVID, it makes me so angry I wanna rip their heads off and grrrrnnrrsnnssrr. My word, excuse the snarl.” Despite her negative COVID test, CDC authorities have ordered Yeller to quarantine at a farm upstate.

About Jade Lacy 46 Articles
Jade is an enigma, the shadow at the edge of your vision, the personification of night, and a fourth-year English major and Asian American Studies Minor. She enjoys creeping into your nightmares and creative writing.