UCLA’S Top Five Sexually Eligible Statues
5. John Wooden It’s no surprise that a man whose first and last names both mean penis is coming in hot on this list. John […]
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Top Five Goonable Robots
Robots. One of the greatest and most attractive inventions ever thought up. They can help you with chores, they have superhuman strength, and best of […]
Opinion: If Your Class Has A Week 9 Midterm, I Should Be Allowed To Skip The Final
Merriam-Webster defines a midterm as an examination in the middle of an academic term. A UCLA quarter has 10 weeks. So what’s the deal with […]
UCLA Housing Signs Dorm Furnishing Contract With Temu
WESTWOOD — In anticipation of even less housing space and even more budget cuts, UCLA Housing has attempted to cut costs by signing a dorm […]
Rival Dance Groups Enter “West Side Story”-Esque Feud Over Parking Lot 7
WESTWOOD — Last night, after the Planes and the Rays, two of UCLA’s 10,000 hip-hop dance groups, engaged in a standoff over who had the […]
Low-Hanging Fruit: Bad Comedian’s Balls Are Really Heavy
AUSTIN — After a joke asking the woke mob to ‘DEI these nutz’, unfunny comedian Matt Rifle felt the beans in his wrinkly scrotum swell […]
Quirky! Indie Kid Records Concert On 3DS
LOS ANGELES – While waiting for the Tyler, the Creator concert to begin, one indie kid made it his life’s mission to record the entire […]
All Hail! God-King Julio Frenk Ensures Only Correct Speech Allowed
Hear ye! Hear ye! Rejoice! For our powerful leader, Julio Frenk, has banned all wrong speech on campus. No more will we have to determine […]
Ruh Roh! Scooby-Doo Put Down
OHIO — Tragedy struck this morning as beloved speech-impaired dog Scooby-Doo was put down. “He, like, mauled an old guy for pretending he was a […]
Time Flies: 2005 Baby Officially Queer Elder
WESTWOOD — Second-year Theater major and non-binary messiah Cricket Vanderbilt made history this week as the first queer elder born after the invention of Facebook. […]