Seasoned Hydroflask Awarded Purple Heart Sticker
ANNAPOLIS, MD — After recovering from a recent drop onto concrete, a local Hyrdoflask was bestowed the prestigious “Purple Heart” sticker for its heroism and […]
Articles by Nathan Glovinsky
Strange Feeling Inside America’s Gut Diagnosed as Hope
BIRMINGHAM, AL — After seeing Democratic candidate Doug Jones defeat Republican Roy Moore in the Alabama senate special election today, the nation was diagnosed with […]
Girl Who Didn’t Drink In High School Really Downing That Prestige
WESTWOOD — Upon the declaration that first-year political science student Kelsey Reinhart “didn’t drink in high school,” reporters observed Reinhart at a recent party going […]
Bruin Democrats to Install Furniture for Echo Chamber
WESTWOOD — Bruin Democrats President Melissa Hargrave informed club members this past Wednesday that the club had received enough funding to install new couches for […]
BREAKING: Cousin Mark Moved Up To Adult Table
RALEIGH, NC — In a move some cousins are calling “unexpected,” area preteen Mark Carmichael was granted access to dine at the adult table for […]
Father of Pardoned Turkey Squares Off Against Trump
MANKATO, MN — After being attacked for his lack of gratitude toward President Donald Trump, area turkey Mr. Gobbles, father of recently pardoned turkey Drumstick, […]
Bruin Republicans Back On Their Bullshit
WESTWOOD — With the Nov. 13 “Ben Shapiro: The Rise of Campus Facism” event, Bruin Republicans was officially declared to be back on their bullshit […]
New Strain of Hepatitis Found On Couch Outside Beta
WESTWOOD — After studying its surface, scientists have recently discovered a new strain of Hepatitis on the surface of the discarded cream-colored couch outside Beta […]
“Join Our Club,” Says Notoriously Exclusive Club
WESTWOOD — On Monday, October 30, members of a notoriously exclusive club were seen on Bruin Walk encouraging random passerby to join their notoriously exclusive […]
BREAKING: Katie Dropped From Theta
WESTWOOD — In an upset some are calling “once in a lifetime,” sources report that first-year Communications student Katie Moore has been dropped from Kappa […]