Report: Bruno Mars “Just Kidding” About Jumping In Front Of Train For Ya
LOS ANGELES — Musician Bruno Mars announced Tuesday that he was “just kidding” about his promise to jump in front of a train for ya […]
Month: November 2022
Opinion: If The Westwood Enabler Has 2000 Followers, Why Aren’t 2000 People Liking My Article?
Fake news. Misinformation. Deceit. These aren’t just words I searched up on Google to make me look smart. They also represent real issues I have […]
UCLA To Replace Inverted Fountain With Perverted Fountain
WESTWOOD — After months of deliberation, UCLA has decided to halt mechanical repairs on the Inverted Fountain and replace it with a new-and-improved Perverted Fountain. […]
Speaker On Bruinwalk To Blast “Pre-Med Pre-Health?” Every Ten Seconds
WESTWOOD — This Monday, at the peak of rush hour on Bruinwalk, a speaker programmed to blast “Pre-med? Pre-health?” made its debut in front of […]
Despondent Dr. Oz Seen Wandering Crudité Aisle In Fugue State
BETHLEHEM, PA — Television personality and professional charlatan Dr. Oz was spotted recently wandering the crudité section of a Wegmans grocery store in an aimless […]
Girl On Self-Discovery Journey Has Yet To Discover She’s A Bitch
LOS ANGELES — After a full two and a half months, Sarah Myers has officially returned from “Sarah’s Self-Discovery Journey,” yet she did not seem […]
Quirky, Enigmatic, Brilliant, And Other Adjectives To Describe Daniel Radcliffe
TORONTO — On the red carpet of his recent biopic premiere, Weird Al Yankovic offered our reporter some words that can be used to describe […]
From “Ick” To “Sick”: The Guy You Were Planning On Ghosting Just Gave You Chlamydia
WESTWOOD — Second-year communications major and amateur juggler Mike Rowe Dong is reported to have given you chlamydia after a night of passionless sex. Your […]
Opinion: Midterm Exams This, Midterm Elections That, I Just Wanna Grill For Godsakes!
Every so often the two most mid (as the kids say) things alive, exams and elections, somehow line up in November. People start freaking out […]
Kamala Harris Addresses Kerckhoff Grilled Cheese Combo Inflation At UCLA Rally
WESTWOOD — In a widely anticipated move to amp up the youth vote, Vice President Kamala Harris took the stage at the Luskin Conference Center […]