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Month: November 2022

CVS Celebrates Fall With Pumpkin Spice Pepper Spray

November 30, 2022 Uma Patil 0

LOS ANGELES— Since Monday morning, customers of the Consumer Value Store have been able to enjoy a new line of products that capture the holiday […]

Spotify Wrapped Now Includes Times Spent Listening To Spotify Ads

November 30, 2022 Dana Badii 0

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN — Spotify CEO Daniel Ek announced this morning that users without Spotify Premium can expect to see the statistic of “Times Spent Listening […]

Nationwide Adderall Shortage Causes Lack Of Focus On Producing More Adderall

November 29, 2022 Evan O’Brien 0

TEL AVIV — In the midst of a nationwide Adderall shortage, procrastinating college students and people with ADHD are demanding increased production of the amphetamine, […]

Food Truck Fortune Cookie Lists Exact Time, Location of Death

November 29, 2022 Gabe McNeill 0

WESTWOOD — First-year engineering major Bob Virgyn was surprised last Thursday night after his fortune cookie revealed the exact time and location of his death. […]

5 Tips For Setting Healthy Boundaries With The Ants In Your Kitchen

November 28, 2022 Gabby Bromberg 0

Fall is here, and you know what that means! Pumpkin spice, holiday breaks, and several hundred new roommates. That’s right, your apartment is crawling with […]

Unbelievable! Phone Call You Put Off For Months Took Two Minutes

November 28, 2022 Gillian Smith 0

YOUR SILLY BRAIN — Despite a history of this very thing happening, you were once again shocked today when that phone call you’ve been putting […]

Joe Biden Announces Nationwide Slut Era As Birth Rates Fall

November 27, 2022 Blue Flood 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to a historic decline in the American national birth rate, President Joe Biden has called for a nationwide Slut Era. […]

Uncle’s Rant At Thanksgiving Dinner Receives Lo-Fi Hip Hop Remix

November 26, 2022 Dana Badii 0

LOS ANGELES – Households across America are jamming out after the release of the Scott family’s new single, “Uncle Terry’s Rant (Interlude)” ft. lo-fi hip […]

Opinion: How Bringing My Copy Of “Ready Player Two” With Me To The Dining Hall Helped Me Get Laid

November 24, 2022 Bustopher Jones 0

Like many UCLA students, I had hoped to experience my first romance at this fine institution, but as an oft-ignored fellow, that moment seemed like […]

Gene Block Purchases Gene Glock Following Recent Budget Cuts

November 23, 2022 Theo Zhang 0

WESTWOOD — Due to recent budget cuts, Chancellor Gene Block has begun pushing for a new cost-cutting and productivity-boosting measure: murder. “Even if we shoot […]

Posts pagination

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  • A white boy and Asian girl standing outside Marugame Udon

    White Boy With Asian Girlfriend Too Excited To Celebrate AAPI Month

    WESTWOOD — After making yet another joke about “sucking balls” while ordering boba, first-year Global Studies major Brayden Smith made an Instagram post where he […]

  • Embarrassing! Student Doesn’t Have Outfit For Victorian French Gothic Hyperpop Themed Fundrager

    WESTWOOD — This weekend, civil engineering freshman James Baeseck was humiliated as he failed to show up in theme to the unsustainable fashion club’s Victorian […]

  • Report: Never Trust How You Feel About Your Life From 12AM To 11:59PM

    WESTWOOD — A new study from UCLA’s Student Anxiety and Depression (SAD) laboratory recommends to never trust anything you think about your life from 12:00 […]

  • Secretary of Defense Announces That Only The “Boy Lesbians” Will Be Eligible for Future Drafts

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — Commenting on the draft eligibility of American women, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced that only the “boy lesbians” would be eligible. […]

  • Opinion: The Ackerman Third Floor Gay Cruising Space Should Be A Designated Cultural Heritage Site

    Dear Julio Frenk, UCLA has been under a lot of controversy lately. The encampments and the mob attack on them, the cops everywhere, deportations, budget […]

Featured Authors

mm
Gabe McNeill
  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
  • Opinion: The Ackerman Third Floor Gay Cruising Space Should Be A Designated Cultural Heritage Site
  • Five Reasons Why I Didn’t Ruin The Vibe By Throwing Up In De Neve
Sam Rusk
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
  • Local Centaur Divided Hot Dog Style
  • Time Flies: 2005 Baby Officially Queer Elder

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