Off-Campus Students Realize They Have To Feed Themselves To Live

WESTWOOD — Off-campus student Jess Rodgers expressed frustration Tuesday after learning that Earth did not have dining halls everywhere and that she needed to find food or else she would die. “Is this too much salt?” asked Rodgers who was preparing her frozen DiGiorno pizza for the microwave. “It’s really hard to stay healthy when you rely on yourself, so I’m trying to stick with Michelle Obama’s food groups. That’s why I ordered Taco Bell on Tuesday, fasted on Wednesday, and slept on Thursday.” At press time, Rodgers had meal-prepped for the next week after coming home with a family box from Panda Express.

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About Arman 27 Articles
Arman Abrishamchian is the human equivalent of "if the sun is so hot, why is space cold?" That was rhetorical, nerd. I prefer ignorance.