EL PASO, TEXAS — In an impromptu press conference held in a Whataburger restaurant yesterday morning, presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke announced that he had legally changed his middle name to “Kickflip.” “America needs a president in touch with its male, 18-29 year-old demographic, and I am just the man for the job,” said O’Rourke from his crouched perch atop the shoulders of an unwilling Whataburger cashier earning $7.25 an hour. “I am proud to say that my name now accurately represents who I truly am: a fan of skateboarding, punk rock and its derivatives (including but not limited to ska punk, a fusion genre which emerged in the mid-1990s and features brass instruments as well as a spunky personality), and overall sophomoric tomfoolery! Parents suck!” Later that evening, O’Rourke was seen in his mother’s driveway dodging reporters’ questions about his policy proposals while repeatedly trying and failing to land a kickflip.
About Kylie Kinne 15 Articles
Kylie Kinne is a fourth-year physics major from San Antonio, Texas. When she’s not writing satirical news, she enjoys piña coladas, getting caught in the rain, and making love at midnight in the dunes of the cape.