South Campus Closed After Inverted Fountain Demands Human Sacrifice

Graphic by Jay Varhula

WESTWOOD Last Friday evening, several students reported that the inverted fountain was ceaselessly echoing an ominous incantation. Local fraternity member, Chet Charles, noticed it was in Greek, so Bryant Kirkland, Assistant Professor of Imperial Greek Literature, was called to the scene.

“The fountain was saying something along the lines of ‘Παρακαλώ, παραδώστε μου τροφή μέσα από το αίμα των αθώων ή θα εξαπολύσω μια πληγή στη γη σας,’” stated Kirkland with pitch-black eyes, “which roughly translates to ‘Grant me sustenance through the blood of the innocent or I shall unleash a plague upon your dwellings.’”

UCLA’s 45 Vice Chancellors and 358 Department Chairs convened to discuss the school’s official response. After much deliberation, they invoked the university’s “no negotiating with terrorists/fountains” policy and awaited the inverted fountain’s reaction.

The fountain overflowed with blood, causing all plant life to wither within a half-mile radius. Thousands of rats spilled out of its opening, and all South Campus majors suffered a burning rash over their entire bodies.

“This ends now,” stated Chancellor Gene Block in a press release this morning. “I knew when I took this job that I’d have to sacrifice myself to the fountain eventually. My only surprise is that this didn’t happen sooner.”

After approaching the fountain, a swarm of locusts overtook Chancellor Block, consuming him immediately.

Sources later confirmed that the whole incident was a prank by USC. UCLA has yet to formulate an appropriate retaliation.

About Drew Muxlow 11 Articles
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