Jesus Oversleeps, Says Six More Weeks Until Easter
JERUSALEM — After failing to make an expected appearance on Easter Sunday, Jesus Christ of Nazareth announced this morning that Easter will not happen until […]
Religion
Wow! This One Birth Control Pill Completely Annihilates God’s Plan
HEAVEN — Instead of being fruitful and increasing in number (Genesis 1:28), the humans that God created have found a way to subvert His plan […]
Opinion: God, If You’re Real, Bring Powell Cat Back
Hey God, it’s me. I know we don’t talk much. Honestly, after I asked you to give me the strength to eat ten hot dogs […]
Report: Number Of Dining Hall Utensils Stolen Weighed Against Your Soul In Afterlife
PURGATORY — A recent study by God revealed that the number of utensils stolen from dining halls on The Hill will be weighed against your […]
Success! Jesus Didn’t Cry On His Birthday This Year
HEAVEN — The heavens rejoiced yesterday as Jesus made it through his birthday without crying. “There’s just so much pressure to have a good day, […]
ROTC Students Drafted For The War On Christmas
WESTWOOD — UCLA ROTC students were dismayed to learn yesterday that recent developments in the war on Christmas meant they would have to leave their […]
Uncle’s Rant At Thanksgiving Dinner Receives Lo-Fi Hip Hop Remix
LOS ANGELES – Households across America are jamming out after the release of the Scott family’s new single, “Uncle Terry’s Rant (Interlude)” ft. lo-fi hip […]
Pope Says Blood Of Christ Should Go Through Brita
VATICAN CITY — Word has come down today from Pope Francis that all Catholics should be filtering the Blood of Christ through a Brita before […]
UCLA Celebrates Yom Kippur With Traditional Bacon Buffet
WESTWOOD — The most solemn holiday of the Jewish year began at sundown on Tuesday, and UCLA knows just how to celebrate! “A lot of […]
In-N-Out Burger To Replace Bible Verses On Wrappers With Shakespearean Insults
IRVINE — Billionaire owner and president of In-N-Out Burger, Lynsi Snyder, announced last Thursday that the wholesome Bible verses on their packaging will soon be […]