Poli-Sci Major Excommunicated For Playing Devil’s Advocate At Baptism
RANCHO CUCAMONGA — Third-year political science major Brendan O’Neill’s hopes of becoming a Godfather came crashing down last Sunday, when he was forcibly removed from […]
Religion
Report: Daily Symptom Screening Questionnaire Just Asked For Your Cup Size?
WESTWOOD — This morning, while you were filling out the daily symptom screening questionnaire, it asked you for your cup size. “We know it can […]
2,022 Things To Look Forward To In 2022
2021 has wrapped up and we are now in a new year. Change can be scary, so here is a list of 2,022 things that […]
Kyrsten Sinema And Mitt Romney Get To Second Base On Senate Floor
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sens. Sinema and Romney engaged in a bout of heavy petting and excessive tonguing on the Chamber floor after working together to […]
Opinion: The Pope Isn’t As Hot As My Dad
VATICAN CITY — How many times do I have to say this? Pope Francis isn’t the hottest old white guy out there! Every freaking time […]
Radio DJ Wonders If November Too Early To Start Playing Jonestown Tapes
INDIANAPOLIS — WZPL radio host Zack N. Cody once again faces an annual question: how early is too early to start playing the Jonestown Tapes […]
BREAKING: I Saw Mommy Kissing The Great Pumpkin
PUMPKIN PATCH — Last night was Halloween, and in my nine years alive, I had never before seen such haunting magic. At around 2 AM, […]
South Campus Closed After Inverted Fountain Demands Human Sacrifice
WESTWOOD — Last Friday evening, several students reported that the inverted fountain was ceaselessly echoing an ominous incantation. Local fraternity member, Chet Charles, noticed it […]
Jimmy Carter Hit By 18-Wheeler, Survives
PLAINS, GA — Early last morning, former President Jimmy Carter was struck by an 18-wheeler while prowling the streets for more turkeys before the end […]
God Beginning To Wonder Whether Anything In Bible Actually Happened
BETHLEHEM — Following thousands of years of religious discourse, God admitted in an exclusive interview Monday that he has doubts about how accurately His holy […]