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Religion

Jesus in a cave waking up

Jesus Oversleeps, Says Six More Weeks Until Easter

April 19, 2023 Jake Snyder 0

JERUSALEM — After failing to make an expected appearance on Easter Sunday, Jesus Christ of Nazareth announced this morning that Easter will not happen until […]

Wow! This One Birth Control Pill Completely Annihilates God’s Plan

April 11, 2023 Gillian Smith 0

HEAVEN — Instead of being fruitful and increasing in number (Genesis 1:28), the humans that God created have found a way to subvert His plan […]

Opinion: God, If You’re Real, Bring Powell Cat Back

March 10, 2023 Jade Lacy 0

Hey God, it’s me. I know we don’t talk much. Honestly, after I asked you to give me the strength to eat ten hot dogs […]

Report: Number Of Dining Hall Utensils Stolen Weighed Against Your Soul In Afterlife

January 31, 2023 Anya Bergstrom 0

PURGATORY — A recent study by God revealed that the number of utensils stolen from dining halls on The Hill will be weighed against your […]

Success! Jesus Didn’t Cry On His Birthday This Year

December 26, 2022 Jade Lacy 0

HEAVEN — The heavens rejoiced yesterday as Jesus made it through his birthday without crying. “There’s just so much pressure to have a good day, […]

ROTC Students Drafted For The War On Christmas

December 23, 2022 Sabrina Ellis 0

WESTWOOD — UCLA ROTC students were dismayed to learn yesterday that recent developments in the war on Christmas meant they would have to leave their […]

Uncle’s Rant At Thanksgiving Dinner Receives Lo-Fi Hip Hop Remix

November 26, 2022 Dana Badii 0

LOS ANGELES – Households across America are jamming out after the release of the Scott family’s new single, “Uncle Terry’s Rant (Interlude)” ft. lo-fi hip […]

Pope Says Blood Of Christ Should Go Through Brita

November 1, 2022 Gillian Smith 0

VATICAN CITY — Word has come down today from Pope Francis that all Catholics should be filtering the Blood of Christ through a Brita before […]

UCLA Celebrates Yom Kippur With Traditional Bacon Buffet

October 4, 2022 Gabby Bromberg 0

WESTWOOD — The most solemn holiday of the Jewish year began at sundown on Tuesday, and UCLA knows just how to celebrate! “A lot of […]

In-N-Out Burger To Replace Bible Verses On Wrappers With Shakespearean Insults

August 13, 2022 Dana Badii 0

IRVINE — Billionaire owner and president of In-N-Out Burger, Lynsi Snyder, announced last Thursday that the wholesome Bible verses on their packaging will soon be […]

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