ROTC Students Drafted For The War On Christmas

WESTWOOD — UCLA ROTC students were dismayed to learn yesterday that recent developments in the war on Christmas meant they would have to leave their families and join the frontlines. “It’s not just about free tuition, it’s about enforcing our nation’s values and promoting freedom,” said Christian Daniels, who was selected for the team disarming the alleged Jewish space laser. “Even Santa has been… dealt with. They thought his red outfit and free gifts to everyone seemed a little too communist.” At press time, Gene Block was seen leading a battle unit into a UCLA professor’s apartment after hearing him say “Happy Holidays” on his lecture recording.