HEAVEN — Instead of being fruitful and increasing in number (Genesis 1:28), the humans that God created have found a way to subvert His plan with one magic little pill. “I craft each sperm individually. I plot out its entire life—its kindness, its selflessness, the cancer I’m going to give it at age 23 for my own entertainment—and these ungrateful humans pop a pill and ruin all my hard work,” said God, a tear running down His cheek. “I would’ve just taken out the scientist who made the damn thing with a thunderbolt or a well-placed train, but I was distracted by the 1960 World Series. The Pirates’ pitcher prayed really good before the game started, so I had to give his team a leg up.” At press time, God was seen at CVS poking holes in condoms with a crucifix.
