HEAVEN — Instead of being fruitful and increasing in number (Genesis 1:28), the humans that God created have found a way to subvert His plan with one magic little pill. “I craft each sperm individually. I plot out its entire life—its kindness, its selflessness, the cancer I’m going to give it at age 23 for my own entertainment—and these ungrateful humans pop a pill and ruin all my hard work,” said God, a tear running down His cheek. “I would’ve just taken out the scientist who made the damn thing with a thunderbolt or a well-placed train, but I was distracted by the 1960 World Series. The Pirates’ pitcher prayed really good before the game started, so I had to give his team a leg up.” At press time, God was seen at CVS poking holes in condoms with a crucifix.
About Gillian Smith 50 Articles
Flavius Octavius Julius Gaius Septimius, known colloquially as "Gillian the Great," is the 71st emperor of Rome. Her notable achievements include winning the 2021 Maryland BOGGLE state championship and not being assassinated yet.