1. “Do you want to feel my stress hives?”
This fun icebreaker is sure to create a sense of camaraderie among the group members as well as make those bitches realize they need to stop bugging you and finish the slideshow themselves. The other group members may offer to show you their own flaky eczema or their bleeding, over-picked rash, but once you tell them the red patches covering your body are from all the stress of your five minutes of extensive research, they will certainly stop reminding you to finish your section of the slides. And there’s an added bonus if you’re lucky: they may even offer to help you scratch!
2. “My preferred method of communication is actually carrier pigeon!”
While this may sound at first like a snarky comment that marks you as “difficult to work with” or “obnoxious,” things will change when your group realizes you meant it literally! In no time at all, you’ll be teaching your group members the art of writing messages on tiny slips of paper and tying them to a pigeon’s legs. And the best part is that if you commit to the bit hard enough, those dummies will actually try it, and then they will never be able to contact you outside of class again.
3. “Honestly, I’m really carrying you guys right now!”
This line is especially useful if you begin to suspect that you are actually the weak link in the group— for example, if someone points out that you haven’t been to lecture since week one, and that you’re probably high right now. No worries! Just pull out this one-liner and prepare to be amazed at how easy it is to gaslight the group into thinking they would be failing without you.