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This Day in History

Breakout Room Enters Day Three Of Awkward Silence

December 9, 2020 Dylan Wood 0

WESTWOOD — Tension is running high this morning as an Introduction to Communications discussion entered its third straight day of awkward silence. “This disaster began […]

Democrats Relieved Pence’s Natural Charisma Didn’t Affect Debate

October 8, 2020 Jay Varhula 0

SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Democrats nationwide breathed a collective sigh of relief Wednesday night after Vice President Pence’s infamous natural charm and charisma appeared […]

Cal Develops Vaccine, Still Fails To Secure #1 Spot

October 5, 2020 Max Flora 0

BERKELEY — Researchers at the University of California, Berkeley developed a vaccine for the viral Covid-19 at 11 a.m. on Monday, and yet the university […]

BREAKING: Guy With Pool Finally Goes Swimming

September 23, 2020 Analisa Burns 0

MARINA DEL REY, CA — On Monday afternoon at approximately 4:15 p.m., local apartment complex resident Michael Khaney decided to take a dip in his […]

Royce Hall Introduces Night Royce

February 26, 2020 Jay Varhula 0

WESTWOOD — In an unprecedented move of unclear motive, UCLA officials announced that Royce Hall will be opening its doors to students during the wee […]

MIT Researchers Develop Method For Teeth To Get Sunburnt

February 20, 2020 Dylan Wood 0

CAMBRIDGE, MA — In a scientific breakthrough, researchers at MIT have developed a mixture which, upon consumption, allows teeth to develop severe sunburns. “Why? Because […]

Area Douche Identifies With TV Anti-Hero

February 13, 2020 Jay Varhula 0

WESTWOOD — In what onlookers have described as a “display of pure originality,” local douchebag Jake Gordonsky revealed last Friday that he totally identifies with […]

Gene Block Declares Victory In Iowa

February 5, 2020 Alex Lewis 0

DES MOINES — In the midst of the confusion surrounding the Iowa Democratic presidential caucus’ final results, UCLA chancellor and full-time heartthrob Gene Block has […]

Iowa To Adopt “Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Moe” Voting System

February 5, 2020 Dylan Wood 0

DES MOINES — In response to widespread criticism of its recent caucus, the Iowa Democratic Party has announced that they will be transitioning to an […]

Baby Yoda Arrested For Tax Evasion

January 31, 2020 Grace Johnston-Glick 0

CHICAGO — Late last Monday evening, America’s little green sweetheart, Baby Yoda, was arrested outside his Chicago mansion for alleged tax evasion. The IRS, aided […]

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