WESTWOOD — UCLA announced Wednesday that they would be switching to a 100% chance admission system for the incoming class of 2027. “Our job is so hard, and we simply don’t have time to read every application from every overachieving tryhard,” explained head of admissions Gary Clark, who was recently seen buying a modest Bel-Air mansion as a reward for all of his work. “We tried throwing darts at a wall, but switched to using www.wheelofnames.com after losing a few too many unpaid interns. This will be the fairest admissions policy in UCLA history – I mean, we’re not even looking at grades anymore!” At press time, Clark was seen “regretfully” informing a record number of applicants that luck was just not on their side this year.
