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national

Oil Tycoon Promotes Impossible Meat As Best Solution To Global Warming

October 30, 2020 Arman 0

FORT WORTH, TEXAS — Oil tycoon and aspiring activist, Richard Johnston III, issued a press release Thursday promoting the environment-saving potential of switching to Impossible […]

Candidates Debate Fracking, Vow To Inject Chemicals Into Voters’ Bloodstreams

October 22, 2020 Dylan Wood 0

NASHVILLE — Amid contentious debate over the dangers of hydraulic fracturing, or “fracking,” both presidential candidates have endorsed a plan to inject carcinogens directly into […]

Senate Democrats Plan To Prevent Barrett Confirmation By Sternly Frowning

October 21, 2020 Dylan Wood 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press conference Wednesday, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer unveiled the Democrats’ strategy to prevent Judge Amy Coney Barrett’s confirmation by […]

Beto O’Rourke Legally Changes Middle Name To “Kickflip”

September 4, 2019 Kylie Kinne 0

EL PASO, TEXAS — In an impromptu press conference held in a Whataburger restaurant yesterday morning, presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke announced that he had legally […]

Jimmy Carter Hit By 18-Wheeler, Survives

August 14, 2019 Grace Johnston-Glick 0

PLAINS, GA — Early last morning, former President Jimmy Carter was struck by an 18-wheeler while prowling the streets for more turkeys before the end […]

Mitch McConnell Revealed As True Father Of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

March 5, 2019 Jay Varhula 0

WASHINGTON — In a stunning turn of events, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R – KY) has been confirmed as the true biological father of […]

Report: Dianne Feinstein Bullied By Senator As Child

February 28, 2019 Jay Varhula 0

WASHINGTON — Following a viral video last week that showed her bullying young children, a report has surfaced that Senator Dianne Feinstein (D – CA) […]

A$AP Rocky Changes Name To “Whenever’s Most Convenient” Rocky

February 19, 2019 Jay Varhula 0

LOS ANGELES — At 8:00 AM Monday morning, prolific Harlem rapper A$AP Rocky called a press conference to announce his new stage name: Whenever’s Most Convenient […]

Donald Trump Announces Donald Trump As Running Mate

May 3, 2016 Hans Oberschelp 0

NEW YORK CITY—Donald Trump announced at a rally this morning that, if nominated, which “[he] might as well have been from the very second [he] […]

Clinton Campaign Builds Moat Around Fundraiser

April 12, 2016 Jack Lyons 0

POTOMAC, MD—Again under fire for their lavish fundraisers, Clinton campaign staffers built a moat surrounding a fundraising event at a private residence in Potomac yesterday […]

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