Oil Tycoon Promotes Impossible Meat As Best Solution To Global Warming

FORT WORTH, TEXAS — Oil tycoon and aspiring activist, Richard Johnston III, issued a press release Thursday promoting the environment-saving potential of switching to Impossible meat. “I just can’t think of anything as criminal as the sheer amount of methane those cattle emit,” stated Johnston III, last seen chowing down on an Impossible Whopper in his tinted Escalade en route to his private jet, “Big Boy.” “These Impossible Burgers are great for your health and no doubt the best way to fight climate change. I hope to join that Greta Thunburger chick in Russia, or wherever she’s from, so that we can go about promoting these darn good burgers.” Johnston III will be speaking at a press conference this weekend where he plans to announce the implementation of energy-efficient light bulbs throughout all company buildings and oil fields.

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Arman Abrishamchian is the human equivalent of "if the sun is so hot, why is space cold?" That was rhetorical, nerd. I prefer ignorance.