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Month: October 2020

Oil Tycoon Promotes Impossible Meat As Best Solution To Global Warming

October 30, 2020 Arman 0

FORT WORTH, TEXAS — Oil tycoon and aspiring activist, Richard Johnston III, issued a press release Thursday promoting the environment-saving potential of switching to Impossible […]

Daddy LongLegs Divorces Mommy LongLegs

October 29, 2020 Analisa Burns 0

ITSY BITSY WEB, CA — After almost four months of marriage, Daddy LongLegs is filing for divorce, citing Mommy LongLegs’ condescending tone and her attempts […]

“Beg For It,” Says Automatic Faucet

October 28, 2020 Arman 0

WESTWOOD — According to toilets close with the Enabler, the rightmost automatic faucet in Target has begun demanding bathroom users to “beg for it” in […]

Obituary: The Fly That Landed On Pence’s Head

October 26, 2020 Jessica Block 0

“The brightest stars burn the shortest, and also flies just don’t live that long” – UC Davis entomologist, Steve Nadler. 2020 takes another. The fly […]

Rudy Giuliani Still Waiting On Text From Maria Bakalova

October 26, 2020 Max Flora 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After his encounter with actress Maria Bakalova in Borat Subsequent Moviefilm, attorney Rudy Giuliani is still waiting for her to reach out […]

Social Bubble Expands To All Of Westwood

October 23, 2020 Jade Lacy 0

WESTWOOD — After gradually growing over the past several months through totally socially distanced picnics, parties and date nights, one social bubble has finally expanded […]

Candidates Debate Fracking, Vow To Inject Chemicals Into Voters’ Bloodstreams

October 22, 2020 Dylan Wood 0

NASHVILLE — Amid contentious debate over the dangers of hydraulic fracturing, or “fracking,” both presidential candidates have endorsed a plan to inject carcinogens directly into […]

Senate Democrats Plan To Prevent Barrett Confirmation By Sternly Frowning

October 21, 2020 Dylan Wood 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a press conference Wednesday, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer unveiled the Democrats’ strategy to prevent Judge Amy Coney Barrett’s confirmation by […]

Leaves Beginning To Change In California

October 20, 2020 Jade Lacy 0

LOS ANGELES — California residents are going out in droves to witness the changing of leaves from green to red to ash, enjoying the telltale […]

BREAKING: Grandma Downloaded TikTok

October 19, 2020 Jade Lacy 0

DALLAS — Local senior citizen Dolly Berkshire amassed one million followers on TikTok Friday morning, a milestone she has been approaching since her video dancing […]

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