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Articles by Jay Varhula

About Jay Varhula
The latest in a long line of miners, Jay stumbled upon the Westwood Enabler after accidentally mining through the floor into one of their meetings. In exchange for several precious stones, the Enabler made him editor-in-chief on the spot. Jay's hobbies include: mining for rare stones and metals, singing chanties about the miner's life, and pet photography.

Respondus LockDown Browser Thinks You Should Smile More

December 14, 2020 Jay Varhula 0

CYBERSPACE — As you attempted to begin your Monday morning midterm, the anti-cheating application Respondus LockDown Browser™ released a statement suggesting that you would look […]

Democrats Relieved Pence’s Natural Charisma Didn’t Affect Debate

October 8, 2020 Jay Varhula 0

SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Democrats nationwide breathed a collective sigh of relief Wednesday night after Vice President Pence’s infamous natural charm and charisma appeared […]

Roommate Going To Finish Bananas This Time

October 6, 2020 Jay Varhula 0

WESTWOOD — After returning from Ralphs today at 12:30 p.m. PST, your roommate assured you that he is definitely going to finish the bananas he […]

Man Drinks The Fuck Out Of Glass Of Water

September 30, 2020 Jay Varhula 0

ENCINO, CA — The nation reeled Sunday afternoon after learning that area man Chis Peterson really just drank the fuck out of his glass of […]

Syllabus Very Clear About How Much Studying, Kegels Required To Get “A”

May 5, 2020 Jay Varhula 0

WESTWOOD — In response to unexpectedly low scores on his Program in Computing 10A midterm, Professor Mikhael Gronkson impatiently reminded students that if they had […]

Royce Hall Introduces Night Royce

February 26, 2020 Jay Varhula 0

WESTWOOD — In an unprecedented move of unclear motive, UCLA officials announced that Royce Hall will be opening its doors to students during the wee […]

Op-Ed: Crosswalk May Stop My Walk, But It Cannot Stop The Winds Of Time

February 18, 2020 Jay Varhula 0

Well well well, look who it is. Mister “Oh you have to wait a few seconds even though there are no cars.” You think you’re […]

Area Douche Identifies With TV Anti-Hero

February 13, 2020 Jay Varhula 0

WESTWOOD — In what onlookers have described as a “display of pure originality,” local douchebag Jake Gordonsky revealed last Friday that he totally identifies with […]

Potential Employer Glad You Reached Out

November 28, 2019 Jay Varhula 0

LOS ANGELES — A potential employer called a press conference at 8:35 this morning to announce how glad they are that you reached out. “We […]

Op-Ed: I Think My Girlfriend Is Actually Tupac In Disguise

October 21, 2019 Matthew Sneezelton 0

I consider myself a rational person. I take things as they come, I try not to jump to conclusions, and I definitely don’t believe in […]

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