Syllabus Very Clear About How Much Studying, Kegels Required To Get “A”
WESTWOOD — In response to unexpectedly low scores on his PIC 10A midterm, Professor Mikhael Gronkson impatiently reminded students that if they had properly consulted […]
Articles by Jay Varhula
Coronavirus Bad Everybody Sick Oh No
LOCATION — Today at a time and place a person said words about coronavirus being bad oh no. “Coronavirus very bad! Sick! Get you sick, […]
Royce Hall Introduces Night Royce
WESTWOOD — In an unprecedented move of unclear motive, UCLA officials announced that Royce Hall will be opening its doors to students during the wee […]
Op-Ed: Crosswalk May Stop My Walk, But It Cannot Stop The Winds Of Time
Well well well, look who it is. Mister “Oh you have to wait a few seconds even though there are no cars.” You think you’re […]
Area Douche Identifies With TV Anti-Hero
WESTWOOD — In what onlookers have described as a “display of pure originality,” local douchebag Jake Gordonsky revealed last Friday that he totally identifies with […]
Potential Employer Glad You Reached Out
LOS ANGELES — A potential employer called a press conference at 8:35 this morning to announce how glad they are that you reached out. “We […]
Op-Ed: I Think My Girlfriend Is Actually Tupac In Disguise
I consider myself a rational person. I take things as they come, I try not to jump to conclusions, and I definitely don’t believe in […]
Epstein Victims Get Day In Court, Free Starbucks Gift Cards
NEW YORK — Nearly three weeks after alleged sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide, his many accusers were granted the chance to share their stories […]
Gene Block Outbids Trump, Buys Greenland
NUUK, GREENLAND — In an unexpected turn of events, Chancellor Gene Block outbid President Trump in the competitive and closely-watched sale of Greenland. “In many […]
Area Key Loses Man
WESTWOOD — Early Monday morning, an area house key realized it had misplaced its owner and became late for work while searching for him. “Goddamnit. You […]