Potential Employer Glad You Reached Out
LOS ANGELES — A potential employer called a press conference at 8:35 this morning to announce how glad they are that you reached out. “We […]
Articles by Jay Varhula
Op-Ed: I Think My Girlfriend Is Actually Tupac In Disguise
I consider myself a rational person. I take things as they come, I try not to jump to conclusions, and I definitely don’t believe in […]
Epstein Victims Get Day In Court, Free Starbucks Gift Cards
NEW YORK — Nearly three weeks after alleged sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide, his many accusers were granted the chance to share their stories […]
Gene Block Outbids Trump, Buys Greenland
NUUK, GREENLAND — In an unexpected turn of events, Chancellor Gene Block outbid President Trump in the competitive and closely-watched sale of Greenland. “In many […]
Area Key Loses Man
WESTWOOD — Early Monday morning, an area house key realized it had misplaced its owner and became late for work while searching for him. “Goddamnit. You […]
Sepi’s Files Counterproposal To Evict Steve Sann
WESTWOOD — Following efforts by the Westwood Community Council to pressure Sepi’s into leaving Westwood, the local bar and restaurant filed a counterproposal to evict […]
P: Ouch! CP: Oops, Sorry
Point: Ouch! By: Beauregard Ploof Ouch! My foot! How could this be? How could you have done this?? I thought you were my friend. After […]
Op-Ed: If I Wear Jeans, You Must Call Me Jeans Block
To the Campus Community: On Monday morning, I substituted my normal chancellorial slacks for a pair of comfortable, stylish, denim jeans. Yet for the entire […]
Mitch McConnell Revealed As True Father Of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
WASHINGTON — In a stunning turn of events, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R – KY) has been confirmed as the true biological father of […]
Bowser Claims Fatherhood Of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Files Paternity Suit
KOOPA KINGDOM — Following the Trump administration’s recent deregulations in inter-franchise family law, Bowser, King of the Koopas, is seeking custody of the Teenage […]