ENCINO, CA — The nation reeled Sunday afternoon after learning that area man Chis Peterson really just drank the fuck out of his glass of water. “Holy shit,” thought Peterson, lapping up the last few drops with effortless grace. “I really wish someone was here to see this. I mean, my side profile must look straight-up magnificent right now! With my glass tilted at the perfect angle to show off the juxtaposition between my goatee stubble and the rest of my stubble? Come on.” At press time, Peterson had burst into tears after noticing the delicate beads of moisture collected on his upper lip through the reflection in his glass.
