WESTWOOD — Early Tuesday morning, third-year biology major Cee Bat was awoken by a loud noise emanating from above her, and was forced into a terrible realization: not only was her upstairs neighbor having sex, he was terrible at it. “It was like a jazz solo. His rhythm was unbelievable. Somehow he was both rushing and dragging,” said Bat, banging on her ceiling to a metronome in an attempt to fix their rhythm. “And then it’s just… silence. Sometimes the silence is worse than any noise. Is there aftercare? Is it loving? Is there even anyone else there? I’ll never know.” At press time, Bat was redownloading Tinder to try to show her upstairs neighbor how it’s done.
