Upstairs Neighbor Bad At Sex
WESTWOOD — Early Tuesday morning, third-year biology major Cee Bat was awoken by a loud noise emanating from above her, and was forced into a […]
Relationships
Vampire Draws Line At Period Sex
WESTWOOD — Local bloodsucker and thousandth-year religion student Vlad Cullen was seen insisting to his suitors he was down for almost anything in the bedroom, […]
See You Later, Boy: Skater Boys Replaced By “Scooter Boys”
WESTWOOD — Folks all across campus have been saying “see you later, boy” to the skater boy, and hello to the scooter boy, who has […]
Experimenting Princess Clarifies She “Could Kiss A Frog, But Never Date One”
FAIRYLAND — Today, one princess set the record straight about her sexual preferences after being caught with a frog. “Even though I had so much […]
Joe Bruin Bulks Up, Grows Beard For Pride Month
WESTWOOD — After undergoing twink death at the age of 99, beloved UCLA mascot Joe Bruin has now transformed into the bear he was meant […]
Top Four Ways To Come Out To Your Family So They Can’t Say No
Coming out to your family can be difficult. From telling your uncle you’re bicurious to letting your little sister know you’re transgender, you never quite […]
Top Five Father’s Day Gifts For A Dad Who Doesn’t Golf Or Grill Or Fish Or Camp Or Mow The Lawn
Happy Father’s Day! Fortunately for you, your dad isn’t one of those basic losers who actually gets out of the house and does something on […]
Pros And Cons Of Texting Your Hometown Situationship Right Before Summer Vacation
Summer is nigh. The end of finals is in sight, and unless you were lucky enough to get accepted into some fancy internship in Palo […]
Worst Couple You Know Breaks Up
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, the two worst people you know ended their months-long situationship. “All men do is cheat, lie, and make massive, outrageous, pork-filled […]