“This Is Gonna Be My Quarter Fr,” Says Alumnus
WESTWOOD — Spring quarter began yesterday, and no one is more excited than the graduated Bruins still lingering around campus. “Man, I can’t wait to […]
BFIT Regulars Speak Out: You Really Thought We Weren’t Judging You?
BFIT — Second-year physiological science major Cardy O’Lover spoke to the Enabler last week after her 6 a.m. 10-mile sprint on the eco-friendly treadmill, and […]
Bruin Walk Empty, Bruin Bear Sheds Single Tear
BRUIN PLAZA — The moon shone brightly on Bruin Walk, illuminating a broody, steeping fog of silence up and down the bricks and leaves on […]
Weird! This Woman Has Legs For Days
ISLE OF MAN — Sources report that local woman Amy Fuller has got a real pair of stems on her. “I’ve seen a leg or […]
Opinion: Science Is Fake! The Same Water That “Carved The Grand Canyon” Can’t Flush My Poop Down This Toilet
We’ve all sat through the same boring eighth grade science class where they teach you about “erosion.” They say water flowed through some rocks and […]
L.A. Zoo Goes Climate Friendly, Announces “Planteater”
LOS ANGELES ZOO— In an attempt to reduce the human (and animal) impact on the climate and focus on sustainable energy, scientists at the Los […]
CBS Greenlights Young Young Sheldon
NEW YORK— CBS announced this morning the development of a spin-off of the hit spin-off “Young Sheldon,” to be titled “Young Young Sheldon.” “You spent […]
A Warm Hug, And 4 Other Things UCLA Dining Will Give You For 20 Swipes
Spring Break is almost upon us! It is finally that time of the quarter when underclassmen swap their remaining swipes for whatever is rolling around […]
Former Horse Girl Now Ketamine Addict
LOUISVILLE, K.Y.— Retired jockey and racehorse enthusiast Hannah Ryder has recently developed a horsey addiction to ketamine. “It started as a bonding activity with my […]